Phoning Phrenzy

You've all probably heard the old joke kids; crank calling someone and asking "Is Jeremy there?" then when the victim says no, hanging up and calling back, repeating "Is Jeremy there?" Then when the victim says no, calling back a 3rd time and saying, "hello, this is Jeremy. Do I have any messages?" Welllll...when I left for Europe last year I gave up my cell phone and made sure I could still communicate with my friends via email or internet phone. But since I've been back, I've heard repeatedly from friends who have tried to get in touch with me, so they call my old number and end up speaking to a (by now) very annoyed "Dr Long" who relays in a very irritated tone that this phone no longer blongs to a person named "Suave". Almost makes me wonder how many lost booty calls are sitting in Dr Long's voicemail. Oh well. She's a doctor and I'm sure she's heard it all.

Leading to today's rant; Brazilians are so mediocre. Great music. Good soccer team. But just plain mediocre in bed. I was talking to this guy online about a month ago and I noticed his writing was not native English, so I asked him where he was from. Seriously, there are certain people I will just NOT stick my dick inside...and I can usually smell them a mile away. He kept evading the answer until he finally said "Italian". I knew he wasn't but said, "listen, if you aren't proud or honest with who you are or where you come from then you're not worth my time." And I blocked him soon after that conversation. But lo' and behold, today he messaged me under a DIFFERENT name and although something was slightly familiar about the conversation, I didn't know we had spoken earlier until he called to ask directions. At that point, from his pretty Brazilian accent I said in Portuguese, "Hey, are you from Brazil?" He said IN ENGLISH, "no. I'm Italian", to which I said in ITALIAN, "Oh, hey, your accent sounds very Brazilian. You totally could have fooled me there." Then a few seconds of quiet on the phone. Finally, he responds, IN ENGLISH, "actually I AM from Brazil." Now I knew who he was, and asked, "Why did you lie then?" "I just don't like talking about where I'm from" he responded. I was just not feeling it at this point so I said, "great, well, when I'm getting ready to head out now, so let's talk later." then hung up. Usually, Brazilians are like ultra-proud and borderline arrogant that God made them Brazilian. So, whatever this guy's issues were, I didn't know or care. I just didn't trust him at this point. So, plan "B"; another guy had been messaging me to say he was interested. He is black, toned, tall and had a ghetto-style brand® Booty. He said his name is "Nando", which is pretty common in any Latin-language country, but his voice was just like a pretty random American gay-boy. When he came over, he started channeling Barbara Walters as if on a celebrity interview. But I since I wasn't in the mood to talk about what tree I'd really rather be, I stopped answering his questions and abruptly started undressing him. He didn't appreciate it at first and told me to slow down, but I ignored him and soon had him bent over my bed with me fucking his ass doggie style. He started moaning in enjoyment and then asked for some lube so he could jack off. I ignored him again as I just got more annoyed since I HATE when guys get lube all over everything, especially ME. I flipped him over missionary and banged his hole harder and harder till I shot my load. Then, being the benevolent fuck that I am, with my dick still inside him I reached over and grabbed the lube and poured some on his cock. "I want you to keep fucking me and jack me at the same time" was his response. He had a nice 7-inch dick and I thought it couldn't hurt. But after about 3 minutes I was done with this, so I said, "I want you to finish now." He took the command and started jacking himself, then commanded me to fuck him harder. I obliged to give him a big finished and pounded him like a jackhammer with my semi-hard dick still in him. After we were done, he started in with the interrogation again, asking (among other things) "Are you portuguese?" "Nope. You're the first person to ever accuse me of that" I replied. Turns out he was in fact from Brazil, but moved here when he was 2 years old, blah blah blah. I don't know if it was him personally, the Brazilian dude that soured me before he came over, or just my mood today in general, but this guy couldn't shut up and leave soon enough. Even after putting on my clothes, he still laid in my bed asking questions until I finally said, "Hey, I have to do some errands before the places close." He took the hint and asked to was off "real quick", which of course turned out to be 10 minutes. While in the bathroom, I could hear him doing yet one last that annoys me: when guys use half a fucking role of toilet paper to clean up!!! You DON'T need to make a paper mitten every time you wipe yourself!!! Anyway, this just proves my working theory of Brazilians as mediocre fucks. So, when white guys go on about "Man! Brazilians are SO HOT!" I just subtly look away and roll my eyes.